changing places, changing style, changing friends... changing!

dear, dearer, dearest!

just came back from the drama production's first night. yes, i kind of enjoyed it, but still i kept thinking all the time: i wont stay long here, coz i dont belong here.
it is true. i do no longer belong there. i belong with you. i have moved on. as hard as it might be, i dont belong there anymore. saw one of my pre england snogs. jon, the american jon, not the english jon. it was weird. well it was not the first time i saw him after GB, but the second time. and it was still weird, but satisfying at the same time. i was kinda proud, when i saw him ( being as goodlooking as ever) and all the single girls, wanting him ( not to talk of all the other girls having had him); and there it was, this proud feeling saying: hey, he used to be mine for a little while. I HAD HIM! and the blink of an eye later i thought: whoa, it feels even better to have you! (if one can ever HAVE someone)
I love you!
and i wouldnt want to exchange you for all of the drama people at once. never. tonight after the performance, i was sitting at the rear end of the bar, watching the others thinking about them, how much they used to mean to me and how much i owed to them, all the pain of being rejected, which created an even stronger feeling of self confidence. all the love i received and gave. and i felt like singing: "there are places i remember all my life, though some have changed. some forever not for better. some have gone and some still remain. all those palces had their moments with lovers and friends i still can recall, some are dead and some are living. in my life i loved them all." how true, i loved them all in a certain way. and still. i love you more. you give me all the love i need. and it was pretty hard to not have you near to me. to not show you all that. to not walk you home. just to not be with you and show off with my boyfriend. of whom most of them would have never thought i could ever got ( if this sentence makes sense).
i knew that this would be a strange evening, and so it is. anyway, it all makes sense, as i see most of my past life as a preparation for us, YOU AND ME!

good night sweetheart,
i love you dearly, more dearly than the spoken word can tell!

p...

My dearest Pünktchen!

You moved me. And you still do. Every day you move me. My life is moving with you, around you, along with you. Don't be afraid, I don't want to leave you. It is only natural for a relationship that you have the fear of losing the other, but this feeling is also helpful to keep going. I would know what I had to compensate without you, which is very very hard to do. Maybe it is not even possible to replace. The good thing is: You're more than a girlfriend: You're also a friend and you give support and strength by your love. At the moment the concert for George is on with Clapton and Co., where they play for Harrison after his death. It's strange, because it conveys exactly this feeling of loss. I can often only express my feelings through music, that's why I'm still working on the song for you, because - just as you said - it's hard to describe :-)

I love you too!

Matthias

anton mein anton, ich möchte dir noch einmal sagen wie wunderschön diese paar tage mit dir waren. und weißt was mir am stärksten (weil u.a. am schönsten) in erinnerung blieb? unser gemeinsames zusammenräumen. auch wenn es nur ein kleines projekt war, haben wir doch etwas gemeinsam gemacht und geschafft und das hat mir unheimlich gut gefallen. und als du dadurch auch noch den ring wiederfandest, war das fast die krönung. ich sage bewußt nur fast, weil unser schachspiel und die stunden danach dem ganzen lustigen, spannenden und aufregenden tag die krone aufsetzten.

ich hatte heute sprechtechnik und bin danach zu fuß nach hause gegangen, am fluß entlang und hab mir die alte uni und die ganzen schönen gebäude von ihrer gegenüberliegenden flußseite (nicht altstadt) angesehen. ich war total fasziniert vom licht, das auf sie schien. alles wirkte viel intensiver und bedeutsamer und gleichzeitig wurde alles ganz unwichtig, als ich an dich dachte und daran, dass es nur wieder an bedeutung gewinnen würde, wäre ich jetzt mit dir unterwegs und sähe mir dieses lichtschauspiel mit dir gemeinsam an. ich fühle viel mehr für dich, als ich je für einen anderen gefühlt haben könnte. es ist ein wunderschönes, ja unbeschreibliches gefühl, das ich eben nicht beschreiben kann. ich kann nur soviel sagen, dass du das schönste bist, was mir je passiert ist. es gibt mir viel mut und kraft zu wissen, dass du mir immer wieder und wieder passieren wirst, sofern du willst. daran knüpft s ich meine größte hoffnung und auch angst. dass du meiner (nicht) überdrüssig wirst (je nachdem ob angst oder hoffnung).

ich liebe dich

dein kleines pünktchen